I have never liked the term Me Time. It always sounded so pushy to me. But once I got pregnant, I understood. Willing though I was to undertake the role of vessel, no part of me was spared some kind of violation; my most private areas were taken over by the needs of my precious baby, my health eroded, my self esteem plummeted. I was a wreck long before my daughter came into the world. And the first few years added to my confusion. Boundaries? What boundaries? My adorable first born only stopped crying when she slept. I was a walking cliché, the sleep-deprived, overwhelmed, caffeine-addled New Mom. There wasn’t really much of a me to crave Me Time. I remember a spa massage during this period, given by a worried friend. I couldn’t lie still long enough to be worked on, much less relax. Sure, I would feel better if I’d just chillax. But, like a soldier, my first priority was being able to jump out of bed to do my duty. I needed to stay alert at all times. Attention!
Okay, cut to my daughter being taller than I am and her little sister being old enough to read to me. I still live in Kid World, but now I have the luxury of observing rather than groping blindly along. Here’s one thing I’ve noticed; Me Time serves as a stand-in for the chance to stay connected to Self. It’s a natural human impulse to move toward integrity, and when you love someone who needs your attention most all of the time, that sense of wanting to be true to yourself get wildly confusing. I mean, as a blogger recently complained, (http://www.doublex.com/section/life/get-your-kid-your-facebook-page), if I put my kid’s image on my Facebook profile picture, who have I become?
Well, maybe someone who doesn’t take herself as seriously as that blogger, but you get my point. You’re joined at the hip to your offspring, but that doesn’t make you Siamese twins. Any chance to retain a little YOU is a healthy thing. And if going out alone for any reason crops up, parents are going to jump at it. Who cares if it’s a job they’d have considered evil in a past life, like taking the truck to the dump or walking the dog in the rain. All the better, it gives us time to ourselves while we seem to be contributing.
Ah, what a slippery slope. I started working on a theory, that there are stages to this phase. And let me state right here and now, to those who roll their eyes in horror at the loss of Self parents offer up as their Fulfilling New Life. First of all, losing your sense of self can be really satisfying in the right context. Hence meditation, creativity, and many forms of physical exertion, where people consciously choose to leave their mundane cares and enter a flow state. They come back with a sense of peace and calm. You may not see new parents that way, but surely you must see that there’s some joy in there, and not just the kind that comes with Stockholm syndrome.
My former colleague Sam said it best when I told her I had a new baby. She laughed and said, “Aren’t you just so relieved that it’s not all about YOU anymore? I know I am”. I knew exactly what she meant. It’s exhausting having to justify all the sacrifices made on my behalf. I was delighted to be able to shift the spotlight to someone who so vocally demanded to be the center of attention.
Okay, maybe you buy the positive side of losing self, or maybe you don’t. But here’s a perspective; parenting a small child is temporary. They stop spitting up. They sleep though the night. They even, if you’re lucky, become champions of your happiness and sanity, because they love you. Not joking. It could happen. Parents can sometimes be paid back for throwing their identity out the window, long after they’ve reclaimed it and moved on. Ask any grandparent, if you don’t believe me.
So, my theory states that Me Time negotiations mirror stages of human development.
The first stage, according to Kim, a mother of two and teacher, is when going to the grocery store alone becomes a juicy prize. No lifting, strapping, un-strapping, lifting, strapping, lifting…Ah, the freedom of child-inappropriate radio, or blessed silence. No pressure to do a supreme job at the very taxing, but not really very complex, task of taking good care of the baby. And remember when working out was a chore, something to procrastinate for the flimsiest of excuses? When you have a tiny baby, going out to the gym, or running the track, or even taking a walk alone becomes a shimmering mirage that must be pursued against all obstacles. This is when people learn to volunteer, as in “Oh, don’t bother with that errand. I’ll go!”
Then we move into the stage when people wake to the fact that their own happiness can’t come entirely from taking perfect care of their children. Along with it being impossible, it’s not terribly fair to the kids themselves. And usually they’re sleeping better, going to some sort of day care or babysitting, existing on their own enough to ease their parents’ guilt at having needs. This is when parents start planning to use whatever child care is available to play hooky. A drink in a bar? Very exciting. Book Club? How parents yearn to be able to get away for it. Forget whatever sophisticated amusements they enjoyed before, at this stage parents are thrilled to get any sort of adult stimulation…especially those who stay home. This is also when those who support the family can get tangled in the big argument over whether work constitutes “Me Time”.
Brenda, a mother of four who works full time, said her husband Dave really never understood her need to do things other than work and be at home, until the day he went back to work. Paradoxically, even though he has less time himself, Dave now understands Brenda’s need for time off with her girlfriends. She explains, “now he understands that work is not Me Time.” It could be listening to the end of a radio piece while she’s parked in the driveway, suddenly needing a coffee house run, or even shopping for groceries. Me has to be flexible, but as long as she’s still there, somewhere, life can progress.
Time passes. Without noticing it, the overwhelm settles into normal life. Families befriend other families. Parents find they have some skills. Children turn into people, who do all they can to show us who we really are. The Self that emerges now is not the superficial person who once swam with the other fish. Now parenting is all about leadership, and in taking on a role of decider and teacher. Self emerges loud and clear. Natalie, a mother of two who teaches middle school, said it best, “Parenting connects you to the world in a way nothing else does.” (I would amend that to include all nurturers, not just biological parents. I frankly hate the breeder vs. child-free divide. But more about that later.)
Finally, there’s the transition to having almost nothing going on at home that parents have to give themselves over to. There’s freedom to do the fun things that got cut out when children were the main focus. Travel, entertainment, and adult friendships, they all filter back in. And yet, the years leading up to children being able to take care of themselves can be pretty bitter sweet. The kids need rides, supervision, and attention, but their purpose is hauntingly clear. Healthy children are now young adults, and with luck they are moving on. Parents are left with an open agenda. Of course, some use it to keep their parenting going.
Those parents who feel they need to keep helicoptering around, well, they’re screwing up my theory. They sometimes remind me of parents in old world countries, where offspring seem perfectly happy to move back in indefinitely, and women keep cooking family meals until they die. These parents are not only shortcutting their young adult children’s opportunities to make foolish mistakes, misbehave, and generally experience all that self-invention has to offer, but they are also shortcutting their own opportunities. I believe that growing up and becoming independent is the goal for all of us, parents and children both. This is the final phase in family life: children and parents emerge as their own Selves, resilient in the face of obstacles, even periods totally lacking in Me Time. And if you learn that, then you can survive exhaustion, sleeplessness, and being judged by others, unscathed, with your Self intact.
Lisa Loop is a life coach specializing in creative professionals. After earning a BA in English from Whitman College, she had a career as a Hollywood development executive, owned a copywriting company, and worked as a freelance editor. Lisa currently writes young adult fiction in addition to coaching. She lives with her husband and children in Seattle. She can be reached at lisa@lisaloop.com .
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To allow a child to foster love and thanks, each parent is setting an example. I admire all parents, especially those looking into their children to find gifts, lessons to learn, etc. You are love…. Thanks.
