Jillian! Lower Your Voice (please).

I grew up in a Jewish-Brooklyn family with shades of Irish and Italian thrown in (or married in, as the case really was). So, there was good food, lots of agida, and a whole lot of yelling. Even when my mom is whispering, she’s screaming. If I call her cell phone and get voice mail, I have to hold the phone away from my ear because her message is so loud. I am constantly reminding her that “I am right next to you!!!” and, yes, I’m usually yelling when I say it. Because, unfortunately, besides inheriting my mother’s sense of humor, I also inherited the “yelling and loud talker” gene.

I am such a loud talker that more than one friend has told me that I really need to lower my voice. I talk so loudly that I once made a New Year’s resolution to lower my voice. Most unfortunately, though, I am such a yeller that I really believe it is the only thing I do that hurts my son. I don’t cook great dinners (although my breakfasts are awesome), and my house isn’t sparkling clean, but he doesn’t care about those things. However, if someone were to ask him, “what about your mother really bothers you?” He would say, “She yells.”

He’s right, too. I do yell and I wish I didn’t. In fact, it is my daily affirmation and I am good about it on most days, but not enough. I would love to go down in history as the mom who never yells.

A few months ago, I tuned in to The Biggest Loser for the first time. I don’t watch a lot of reality TV  and it bothers me that weight-loss is seen as a competition, but, anyway, I was flipping channels and there it was. Well, really, there she was: Jillian Michaels, yeller.

Now, I want to say, before I get into the topic of yelling as a way to get fit, I have seen Ms. Michaels say intelligent, significant, meaningful, and helpful things to people. Like me, I am sure she means well, but yells. Maybe she wishes she didn’t. I am very grateful that my moments of yelling aren’t caught on national TV. But here are a few significant differences between she and I: a) I yell when provoked (not that it’s the right response; it isn’t) and b) I don’t yell at fat people to get them to stop being fat.

So, my topic today isn’t Jillian Michaels. My topic today is trainers who yell and the woman (um, me) who wishes they would stop. Forever.

Yelling at exercisers has a long, rich history and, as you’ve probably guessed, it started with the Armed Forces. According to military information websites, drill sergeants yell to make sure new recruits know who is in charge (the person yelling) and so the younger people also begin to be able to function under pressure. They don’t say, “we yell at recruits because it makes them lose weight and get into shape faster.”

People who love to exercise have looked longingly at servicemen and women because they are in such great shape. In fact, many fitness fools (like me) have pondered the idea of joining the Army/Navy/Marines as a way to get into shape. I remember telling my mother way back in 1981 that, instead of going to Sarah Lawrence, I was considering joining the army because I would “get to exercise.” I told that story to a friend about 15 years later, a woman who had actually been in the Army, and she proudly said, “That’s why I joined.”

Guess what my mother’s response was? She yelled. My ears are still ringing from that one. She yelled not because she didn’t want me to serve my country (which she would have been proud of) but because I was being given the opportunity to go to college, something that she had never received. She hated my ingratitude and my ignorance. I had no clue about what I would have been getting myself into. Not to mention the fact that she knew I hated being yelled at, so why would I join the military? I probably wouldn’t have even survived boot camp. Even without college she was smart enough to know that.

Because of the mystique surrounding the fitness regimen of service people, various personal trainers and group exercise leaders over the years have come up with a variety of “boot camp” classes that typically include running, push-ups, pull-ups, and yelling. For their part, these experts have always bragged about their military service, especially if it included a stint “in the Seals,” which translates into “I’m in better shape than you are and I have been for a long, long time.”

I have two problems with this framework. First, I don’t think of exercise as a competition. This is why my exercises of choice aren’t marathons, triathlons or any type of racing. Second, the yelling. I hate the yelling.

Let’s go back to Jillian Michaels. Though I realize that there is no such thing as “reality TV” (obviously the producers have decided that the yelling makes for a “better” program), there Ms. Michaels stands, thin and beautiful, in front of someone who is struggling, mightily, on television with being very overweight and very out-of-shape and there is Ms. Michaels, screaming. Imagine if a person had trouble doing math and so the teacher yelled and yelled to get them to learn. Would we let that person be humiliated? What is that teacher really teaching, anyway? Is she teaching someone how to feel good about herself and how to take care of herself? Or is she teaching someone that she isn’t good enough and deserves to be mistreated?

I want to say, again, that I am guilty of this. I’m not talking about this because I never yell. I’m talking about this because I know it hurts people to yell (both the yeller and the yelled at) and we shouldn’t reward people who yell and we should protect people who do get yelled at. We shouldn’t think it’s the price we have to pay to get into shape. It’s not. Plenty of people are in amazing shape and no one is yelling at them. Look at this guy, for example. You have to be strong to do this, and he’s humble about it!

So, my point to you is: Don’t yell at yourself, especially if you’re out of shape. If you find yourself yelling at yourself (“you’re fat/do more/get off the couch!”) I suggest that you, instead, speak nicely. Say loving things. Encourage yourself. Be kind. This is what I always tell my son. There is only one rule in life: be nice.

Stop the yelling.

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