Victoria Clayton recently exchanged emails with Dr. Adina Nack, associate professor of sociology at California Lutheran University and author of Damaged Goods? Women Living with Incurable Sexually Transmitted Diseases.  Did you know that 75 percent of us are infected with HPV?  Moms take note: perhaps you’re aware of the vaccine that protects young girls. Guess what? Nobody seems to be talking about it, but it also protects young boys. And, in fact, it can have other preventive health benefits. This is a must-read! (Also, scroll down and watch a brief TV interview with Adina Nack and her husband Jose.)

Exurb: I read recently in the NYT that one in six Americans aged 14 to 49 are infected with genital herpes.  I was astounded that the number was so high.  You note in your book Damaged Goods? Women Living with Incurable STDs that as many as 20 percent of Americans may be infected with genital herpes and up to 75 percent of the population is likely infected with a strain of sexually transmitted HPV (human papillomavirus) that can cause genital warts and cervical dysplasia, a precursor to cervical cancer. Many people have a vague awareness of HPV, but it seems like we should know more. Why don’t we?

Nack: Excellent question because the more people learn about HPV – and the range of HPV-related cancers that affect women and men – the more they agree with me that we are decades overdue for a comprehensive HPV public health campaign. As to the reasons for the lack of this campaign, I have several theories, but, given our current wealth of knowledge about HPV, there really is no excuse for the federal government to not invest significant resources into not only HPV clinical research but also in HPV public health education.

Exurb: Do you think some women don’t even fully understand they’re infected, when they’ve had abnormal Pap Smear results, a colposcopy and/or treatments (like cryosurgery, cone biopsy and LEEP)? Why are some health care providers hesitant to deliver the news in a way that makes women fully understand they have a STD?

Nack: Unfortunately I’ve heard too many accounts from women who’ve received diagnoses of “abnormal Pap smears” or “cervical dysplasia” but were not told that they can have a HPV test done on those cell samples to find out if their precancerous cells resulted from a sexually-transmitted virus. When teaching sexuality courses at California Lutheran University and giving talks on other college campuses, I often have women come up to me to ask whether or not they have HPV if they have had one of those HPV treatment procedures you mention. I tell them the truth: that a HPV infection may have caused their precancerous lesions. It’s inexplicable (and, frankly dangerous for public health) that anyone receives an incomplete and misleading explanation about their cervical health. A well-explained HPV diagnosis gives a patient the opportunity to ask questions and encourages them to consider behavioral changes that can reduce their risk of infecting their sexual partners with this highly contagious STD which is transmitted by skin-to-skin contact (that can occur even with the correct and consistent use of latex condoms or dental dams).

Exurb: There are HPV vaccines like Gardasil and Cervarix (read on for more on this). But what are other ways to reduce risks of HPV infection?

Nack: There is not blood-test that can check for HPV infection: symptoms (warts or lesions) need to be biopsied and sent to a lab for testing. Since HPV can be asymptomatic for months, even years, we have no definitive way of knowing if any one of us is infected. So, the best steps are to get yourself and your partner(s) as thoroughly tested as possible and to practice safer-sex (using ‘barrier’ methods like male condoms, female condoms, and dental dams) so that you are reducing the skin-to-skin contact that transmits HPV. On my website, I have a “Resources” page that includes several excellent websites that review the medical facts about HPV and other STDs, including HPV testing and treatment options. As a virus, HPV is often defeated by individuals’ strong immune systems, which is why many patients and healthcare practitioners favor a ‘wait and see’ approach to give their bodies a chance to fight off the HPV symptoms before pursuing medical treatment. However, it’s important to remember that you may be contagious even if you and your healthcare practitioner no longer see symptoms. Ultimately the best protection from HPV is to know the facts about HPV myths.

Exurb: I read that the makers of Gardasil want to get it FDA approved for women 27 to 45 years old. Would this be a good thing, in your view? Why?

Nack: As early as 2007, the press was reporting Merck’s studies that showed Gardasil to be effective on women ages up to age 45 (http://www.marketwatch.com/story/merck-says-gardasil-effective-in-study-of-women-ages-24-45).  Regardless of age, if a woman (or man) has not yet been exposed to one of the four strains of HPV covered by Gardasil, then s/he would likely benefit from vaccination.

Exurb: You recently wrote an article that highlights how most of us aren’t aware that the Gardasil vaccination can also be protective for boys and young men. Can you explain this use of Gardasil and also why very few people seem to know about it? How is Gardasil also linked with protection against other health issues?

Nack: The FDA’s October 2009 approval of Merck’s Gardasil vaccine for the prevention of genital warts in boys and men (ages 9 to 26) confirmed that, since 2006, Merck had been selling us a STD vaccine disguised as a cervical cancer vaccine. Prior to 2006, HPV researchers had linked the types of HPV which cause cervical cancer to penile cancer, as well as to anal and oral cancers in women and men. Last month, Merck released findings that Gardasil prevents anal precancers in men. Oral cancer researchers are hopeful that clinical trials will soon show that this vaccine can prevent types of oral cancer which have been on the rise among traditionally low-risk men and women (non-smokers, non-drinkers). However, the confusion over HPV continues, with few Americans understanding it as a gender-neutral virus that potentially causes serious health consequences for men and women. I discuss these consequences and detail the reasons why all of us should be advocating for gender-neutral STD vaccines in my article “Why Men’s Health is a Feminist Issue” in the current/winter issue of Ms. Magazine.

Exurb: In your book, you deal with the implications for women who are living with genital herpes and/or HPV infections, both of which are treatable but medically incurable. You interviewed a range of women from age 19 to 56 from fairly diverse backgrounds. What were the most common implications? How drastically can a person’s life influenced typically by the HPV diagnosis? Were the findings of your research what you expected?

Nack: The majority of the women were fairly devastated by different aspects of their illnesses – the medical/physiological (symptoms/outbreaks, treatments that were not always effective and in rare cases resulted in infertility), the psychological (especially how they viewed themselves as sexual beings and if they were able to continue to see themselves as ‘good girls/women’ or whether they felt they were now ‘bad girls’ or ‘sluts’) and the social (e.g., the ability of a stigmatizing diagnosis to ruin their reputations and potentially ‘scare off’ current or future sexual partners). Through my website, women and men have emailed me about how their genital HPV and herpes infections have damaged not only their health but also their self esteem and their relationships.

Since I had managed the challenges of my own cervical HPV infection several years prior to beginning this research, I was not surprised by how ‘damaged’ the majority of the women felt after being diagnosed. But, I was happy to uncover several key ways that helped many of the women transform their STD experiences into ultimately positive ‘turning point moments’ in their lives. I’ve also interviewed men, and I’m incorporating all of these research findings into my next book which focuses on how men and women can have happy and healthy sex lives in a world were STDs have become the statistical norm.

Exurb: If you could only get two points across in this brief interview, what would they be?

Nack: Point #1: We all win with HPV education. Given recent news about FDA-approvals for Gardasil and Cervarix, it’s easy to get caught up on being pro- or anti-vaccine. But, I want to remind your readers that, whether or not they decide one of these HPV vaccines is right for themselves or their children, no vaccine is 100% effective. We all need to be better educated about this national epidemic (and global pandemic) of a family of viruses (including several cancer-causing types) that spread easily during acts as ‘casual’ as open-mouth/French kissing, not to mention unprotected oral sex (which some say has become the norm for many young people who want to remain ‘abstinent’ until marriage).

Point #2: We all lose with STD stigma. HPV education needs to address myths that lead to many of us seeing STDs as marks of shame. In my book and talks, I describe the reasons why we have historically ‘mixed morality with medicine’ and why we continue to stigmatize STD-infected women more than STD-infected men. HPV is not a female problem – it’s a human disease. And, given the rates of infection, you don’t have to be promiscuous to contract a STD. Stigmatizing STDs often leads to mental health problems (like depression and anxiety) for those who are infected and can make them afraid to tell their current and future sexual partners. Public health is bound to improve when the majority of us come to view these kinds of infections as medical (not moral) conditions.

So, I’ll wrap up our interview with one last message – medically incurable STDs do not have to mean the end of your sex life or your fertility. The key is early detection/diagnosis and becoming an educated, assertive patient. My book, Damaged Goods, is a resource that can help women and men navigate genital herpes and HPV infections, and hope your readers will also check out other excellent web-based resources.

THANKS ADINA!

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St. Johns Pleasant Valley Hospital in Camarillo, CA– along with some of the most prestigious hospitals in the country– has long allowed nurse midwives to deliver babies in their facility. Recently, though, nurse midwives were given notice. Here, we interview midwife Joyce Weckl about the turn of events and what it can mean to women’s health. Over her career, Weckl has delivered hundreds of babies in several birthing centers and hospitals and has served as an assistant clinical professor at the University of California at Irvine. Full disclosure: in 2004 I coauthored the book Fearless Pregnancy with Weckl and OB/GYN Stuart Fischbein.

5 Questions for Joyce Weckl, CNM

EXURB: How long have you been delivering at St. Johns Pleasant Valley in Camarillo and what’s the current situation with midwives there?

WECKL: I’ve been delivering there for 14 years. The first certified nurse midwife delivery at St. John’s was done by a CNM named Patricia Halpern 30 years ago. So nurse-midwives have been on staff for 30 years.

Recently,  St. John’s Pleasant Valley informed us we can no longer deliver there.

EXURB: What were the reasons given by the hospital and  what do you think is behind this action really?

WECKL: The reason cited was safety, but there was no evidence to suggest problems with midwives at the hospital. Pleasant Valley is a small community hospital with no NICU (neo-natal intensive care unit).  We are still able to deliver at sister hospital St. John’s Oxnard, which has a NICU, but our office is in Camarillo and going to Oxnard is prohibitive for many women.

There has never been any sort of peer review over the quality of CNM care nor were we invited or aware of any of these proceedings. In fact, the letter they sent me (3 days before this became effective) stated that this was no reflection whatsoever on my care. It also stated that I was not entitled to a hearing or review.  Our belief is that this policy is the result of several political agendas of certain members of the medical staff and has no basis in evidence or statistics. I also feel that this is not just about midwifery but also about women’s health care options being determined by back room dealings and not evidence based medical care.

EXURB: What could the political reasons be?

WECKL: I’m not sure myself. Some people have said it’s an attempt to get rid of Stuart [Fischbein], or at least make his life miserable, because of his “renegade” care of backing up home birth midwives. Others have suggested that it’s an attempt to make life more difficult for the few medical offices — Stuart’s and mine– that employ midwives and rely on them in their practice. My new practice, for example, is an all female OB-GYN staff and we are smokin’! We’re probably taking all of the other doctors’ patients away.
EXURB: Certainly, getting rid of midwives changes the climate. I know one labor-delivery nurse at Los Robles Hospital in Thousand Oaks, where they don’t allow midwives, and she’s said almost nobody even tries to have an unmedicated birth there. It’s almost unheard of. Do you think midwives have an influence on the hospital and community in general?

WECKL: Absolutely. When nurses witness a more natural approach to birth they are amazed. There is something innate in all of us that connects with that more primal natural birth experience. The word spreads to other patients, nurses and physicians. It promotes a more compassionate, mother-baby friendly environment.

I think whether you like or want midwives or not isn’t the real issue here. The bigger issue is that women should be outraged that this is how their healthcare is being decided.

EXURB: What can people do to support you?

WECKL: The local group that is spearheading the campaign is called Birth Action Coalition (BAC). Their website is the place for current information. We’ve been on the news, had lots of coverage in the local paper, and are trying to organize letter writing and protests. Please see the website for more information. All of the media links are on there.

http://birthactioncoalition.org/

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Strip malls are more American than apple pie, but they’ve never been loved (except by their owners). Besides, they’re not doing so well these days. Ava Bromberg, a PhD candidate at UCLA’s School of Public Affairs, says this can change. Her idea is to turn strip malls into community-owned hotspots that people actually like. Check out how Bromberg envisions the strip mall of the near future.

Exurb: Strip malls are so prevalent but also so maligned. There’s almost nobody who speaks well of a strip mall. Why focus on strip malls?

Bromberg: Well, I don’t think a lot of people in my profession are necessarily pro-strip malls but they’re such a basic a part of American towns that I think they are ripe for reinvention. It’s not really by accident either that they’re so prevalent. They’re the product, in many ways, of combinations of land use decisions aimed at increasing the municipal tax base and a business model that has historically worked very well for strip mall and shopping center owners. For decades, strip malls have been well located and programmed to be lucrative and functional commercial centers in cities, exurbs and rural towns. These also became the default model for commercial life in the US. They are suffering right now but they are still vital and full of potential. Most importantly, they’re a key infrastructure we’ve inherited. So they’re part of what we have to work with if we are to successfully transition to having more socially, ecologically, and economically sustainable cities and towns.

Exurb: Yet, as you said, they’re suffering. So what’s going on?

Bromberg: The commercial real estate market in general, of course, isn’t doing so well for a variety of reasons related to the real estate bubble and excessive borrowing, but also the contraction of the retail market in the current crisis. In fact, many say we have yet to see the true bottom of the commercial real estate market.

In the past, owners had an easier time securing long-term leases with national chains and other credit tenants. Now there are major vacancies as stores close and companies go out of business. In some strip malls and shopping centers, remaining tenants have renegotiated their leases for lower rents because of what’s called co-tenancy clauses—that certain anchor stores would be there to draw traffic. This is hurting the bottom line for some of the large commercial center owners. Regardless if the current owner can afford to keep large or small spaces empty, it is certainly not pleasant to encounter a huge half-empty building. Luckily, I think there is renewed openness—and need—for models to activate these spaces, and I think a lot of potential.

Beyond that, consumers also seem to be changing their habits. People are saving more or paying down their debt, some are adopting different attitudes towards consumption. Whatever the reason, there is increased interest in more affordable forms of entertainment and experience beyond shopping. I think commercial centers have an opportunity not only to adjust to that shift, but also enable new forms of work and community to happen.

Exurb: What would make strip malls better?

Bromberg: I think there are two main interventions that could improve strip malls. The first has to do with the mix of programming. The second has to do with the opportunity to develop new financial models. These can be achieved separately, or together. In the case of programming, we can mix in more things that aren’t retail into these sites, and also remix the size and types of spaces people could rent for their businesses, to work, or socialize. This is already happening in ad hoc ways, but could be approached more holistically and comprehensively. Incorporating fresh opportunities to work, learn, play, as well as shop, is at the core of the model we’re developing.

The speculative version of a strip mall we call a CoOperating System essentially reinvisions the standard shopping center as a commercial, cultural, and civic center, a neighborhood hub. The exact mix and what it would entail would largely depend on the area demographic, partner organizations, businesses, and groups interested in operating there.

A key component of the idea is that it can be a cooperative enterprise, and introduce a distributed ownership structure for commercial real estate. There are a lot of ideas for reprogramming strip malls and shopping centers starting to emerge right now. Part of what interests me most is the potential to develop a different model that can create direct financial benefits, whether for individual members or at the community scale. A cooperative ownership structure lets us benefit from the value we create by shopping somewhere; this is the idea at the heart of a consumer cooperative. There is also the potential to build on long standing ideas and fresh practices of solidarity economies, to attract and support businesses we want to have in our neighborhoods.

My goal is to have a simple model that could be replicated, a flexible but durable institutional structure that could be tailored for any neighborhood. In one version, this entity could be interested only in reprogramming the empty site. In another, they may be interested in purchasing the building. Right now we’re raising funds to develop the model with ICA Group in Boston and get it up and running.

Exurb: We have a site that was abandoned by Kmart. Home Depot tried to move in, but the community fought it. This has happened elsewhere around the country too. Do you think your concept could work in these old Kmart sites?

Bromberg: There are certainly ways to do that in an old Kmart space. I think this concept could be applied to almost any commercial site that can attract the interests of a critical mass of people.

One of the interesting things about the exurbs, for example, is that a lot of people own their homes and they’re invested in the area. They most likely plan to stay put until their kids finish school. It seems to me that, especially where these folks have overlapping interests, say in making sure there was fresh locally grown food, or safe afterschool activities for kids, they could be using the same energy that we see people muster to fight a Home Depot in some places to attract the kinds of thing they actually want. This is a much more productive kind of land use battle, and I think the pressing need is to enable this kind of collaboration. I think it’s also important to note that Home Depot, WalMart, and Kmart own a lot of these properties and could be positive contributors to a shift in what happens at these sites.

And ideally, I think these spaces can be reconfigured so they are not only more energy efficient than your standard carbon guzzling big box building, but actually producing energy. In any case, it seems likely that, if there was an easy way to do it, many people might be interested in investing in their neighborhoods in this way because they would benefit.

Exurb: Your idea is to structure this as a cooperative. Are cooperatives generally viable?

Bromberg: There are many different kinds of cooperatives and some are better positioned to make money than others. Some are extremely lucrative. There are consumer cooperatives, like the successful outdoor store REI. They had over $1.43 billion in sales in 2008. In the UK there is a multi-billion dollar enterprise called The Co-operative. Land-o-Lakes is an agricultural cooperative owned by producers and members and makes over $6 billion per year. Organic Valley is an agricultural cooperative that is committed to much more sustainable farming practices and grosses over half a billion dollars a year. Employee-owned companies are another type of cooperative. Cooperatives are a tried and successful concept, and their structure can be tailored to the project at hand. One of the exciting things about this project is that we’re drawing from what has worked for other enterprises to come up with the best way to create community benefits from redeveloping empty shopping centers and strip malls.

Exurb: Your speculative proposal for the CoOperating System is brilliant. I can’t imagine anyone not wanting something like this in his or her neighborhood. What are the roadblocks, though?

Bromberg: I think that depends on the place and the project. In some cases, a local group already has control of the building, and the issue I discuss with them is about getting the word out and enticing others to participate – that’s more a matter of good organizing practices and stamina than a roadblock. In other cases, the issue is getting adequate financing to do the project right, developing a workable partnership structure, and demonstrating that the benefits of the project outweigh the risks. Right now we’re looking for the foundation, a courageous lending institution or partner that sees the potential of this idea and the value of investing in these important details. But I wouldn’t call it a roadblock. It’s simply the work to be done!

Exurb: How could any person or group even begin to promote the idea of something similar to CoOperating Systems?

Bromberg: I encourage people to get in touch with me about it. I think there are many ways into this, and there certainly are a lot of empty spaces to activate, and small and large ways to do that. I can be reached by email at ava (dot) bromberg (at) gmail (dot) com.

THANKS AVA!

Note: Also check out Planetizen’s story on Ava Bromberg’s new strip mall vision.

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When Exurb first ran a feature interview with Pastor Brad Johnson in June 2009, he was actually barista Brad. After stepping down from the helm of a suburban megachurch where he preached to thousands, he’d taken a job at a local Starbucks. Even for the Los Angeles area, it was an unusual scenario and a community curiosity. After our initial interview with Brad, we invited him to contribute to Exurb. He’s been posting regularly to Fresh Faith, his blog on faith, spirituality and renewal. Now there’s big news with Pastor Brad. He’s recently ditched his green apron and become pastor of Calabasas-based Life Change Community Church. We’re rooting for Pastor Brad. But, still,  Victoria Clayton asks him a few tough questions…

1. I know you’ve had some excitement and changes in the last few months, including launching Life Change Community. Can you tell us about the new church? Also, why start a new church?

Life Change Community Church is really a church for unchurched, or for those desiring to try again.   It’s an accepting church with the motto: Come as you are!  You don’t have to dress up.  You don’t have to be any particular age.  We couldn’t care less who you voted for in the last election.  And please, don’t feel the need to pretend about anything.  Life Change Community Church is a place where God meets seeking people who are far from perfect.  That means anyone is welcome, no matter where you are on your spiritual journey.  So learn at your own pace.  Ask questions.  Seek.  We believe you will find what you are looking for.  You’ll learn how to relate to God.  You’ll experience Christian community.  And here’s the big thing—you will change.  Join us as we seek God together.  Just come as you are.

So, why a new church?  Well, not to over spiritualize, but God opened this door.  By arranging an amazing set of circumstances, gathering the right people, and the right resources at the right time, God showed that this was His desire. Wanting to make sure I was thinking this through carefully, I spent a lot of time in prayer and the decision was confirmed by many conversations with people who know me best.

2. Cynics might say it’s not appropriate to start new churches. I’ve heard people talk derisively about people who start churches, they compare them to the actress Della Reese or they put it down by saying it’s “the church of what’s happening now.” You’ve operated in the mainstream church culture so I assume you’ve heard these things in your past — or maybe even thought them. Your father is a traditional pastor in the midwest. You may even have to deal with some judgment there. Can you give us a comment about your thoughts on this (and, if you’ve had negative feelings in the past, your change of heart)? Would you ever think of Life Change as a fringe church or yourself even as a fringe or “out there” pastor? What qualifies somebody to start a church?

First, ‘new’ is a good word in God’s vocabulary.  We are told that He makes us new people, He asks us to sing to Him new songs.  One day He will create a new heaven and a new earth.   He delights in ‘new.’

If you think about it, all churches were once new. To suggest new isn’t good is to suggest we have enough churches.  The truth is, it takes all kinds of churches to reach all kinds of people and no one church reaches everyone.  Also, we are in L.A. County where only 10% of people attend church on a regular basis.  There is not only a need for a new church, we believe there is a need for this particular type of church, that allows people to come ‘just as they are,’  where they are accepted in a safe, loving environment from the first day and allowed to seek, question and develop a relationship with Jesus Christ at their own speed.

Am I fringe or mainstream?  Ha. That depends on where the person asking the question is standing.   I have 30 years experience in church leadership at some of America’s largest congregations.  I earned my Masters and Doctorate from a Theological Seminary.  So, some would call that ‘mainstream.’  Our message of hope– that God accepts you just as you are and loves you– is a mainstream, biblical message.  BUT because we will be a place where spiritually messy people, questioning people, people far from God and some a bit closer will all gather, well, some might call us fringe.  Jesus was heavily criticized by the “institutional religious people” of His day for spending way too much time with spiritually messy people (people who were humble enough to admit they didn’t have it all together and sought answers from Christ). They were on the spiritual fringe but in a wonderful spiritual process.  We will be like that.

3. I went to the initial service. I didn’t think I was looking for a church but I left thinking, Ok, I’ll come back here. There was something refreshing to me about listening to someone address the congregation and you already know that person isn’t claiming to be on a higher plain really. As I thought about it, I also felt, hey, at least I’m not sitting somewhere listening to someone who is probably up to no good and I don’t even know it. At least I know this guy is admitting he’s screwed up etc. etc. Of course, that doesn’t mean that just because you’ve had issues before you won’t have them again. Are there measures in place at Life Change to try to keep you and perhaps other church leaders above board/accountable?

First, let’s be honest. We all have issues.  The difference may be in degree or visibility.   I used to keep my issues private and deal with my stuff on my own.  In effect, I appeared to be smarter, stronger, more spiritual and more confident than I was.  I didn’t want to let people down. They expected that kind of strength, etc.

The result of not being authentic with my own issues was eventually an implosion.

With years of soul searching and reflecting behind me, I have learned to be comfortable in my own skin and honest in my struggles.   Such authenticity is now important in my life.  I think it will be important to watch me process my stuff in a personal relationship with Jesus.  I think I’m able to lead from a better place than ever before.  Many people have said they can relate to me and they believe I can now relate to them in ways that I could not or didn’t before.

As to guards to help me and other leaders avoid future catastrophe, first, everyone close to me now knows my weaknesses.  They’ve journeyed with me, seen me grow and stumble and grow and progress and grow and heal.  They know my life inside and out.

I have two guys who are board members with me, who are in that category of close proximity, trust and accountability.

I continue in a professional relationship with my therapist, and hope to do that the rest of my life, for feedback, check-ins, and reflection.   I wish I had gone 10 years ago.

But a guard that exists because I chose to stay in this community, is that every where I go, people know my story.  They see my daily life.  If I’m out with friends, if I’m on a date, if I’m at the movies, people are watching.   And I know that.

I love this community and know I’ve been given a unique opportunity to show God’s rebuilding power.  The watchful eyes of a community give me an opportunity to do well and offer a good guard on my life.

4. Here’s another cynical issue: money. Doesn’t the success or failure of churches demand ultimately on how much money they bring in? If not, how do you gauge success? Do you think you’ll have problems with funding Life Change? Will people be leery of a new church or even you at the helm?

5. The initial service, I have to admit, was also a little surreal in a way. It was in the Edwards Cinema in Calabasas. Tell us about the space and how you came to have it there. It’s movie seating, so the congregation is looking down on you instead of up. Did that appeal to you? Also, what’s up for the upcoming Christmas church service?

As you have already noted, we are a non-traditional church and people seem to like that.  Either they have tried church before and it didn’t connect with them, for whatever reason, or, they are trying it for the first time.   Our church offers a fresh way to think about church.  By meeting in a theater, we are offering a safe, familiar setting right in the heart of Calabasas.   The space is user friendly, the staff at the theater is hospitable, there’s a ton of parking, lots of restaurants nearby for lunch after services….it’s actually a cool venue.  Inside, the acoustics are great, and the line of sight to the screen for our videos, music and speaking is terrific.

Our COMMUNITY CHRISTMAS SERVICE, SUNDAY, DECEMBER 13 at 10:00 a.m., is going to be a hope-filled, festive experience.  We will have great Christmas music and I’ll bring a message based on the hope that infuses this season.  We will have CHILDREN’S PROGRAMMING for babies through 5th grade.  And remember…come just as you are!  We love you that way…and so does God!

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Exurbanite Irene Levine is a clinical psychologist and blogs about friendship at The Friendship Blog and The Huffington Post. If you’ve ever lost touch with a supposedly good friend, been dumped or dumped a friend, you need Levine’s new book Best Friends Forever: surviving a breakup with your best friend. Contrary to what daytime television or Bravo might depict, Levine tells us that friends fall by the wayside not because one steals another one’s husband or anything that outrageous. Check out what she has to say about the lifespan of friendships, her book and her famous neighbors….

1. When I described Best Friends Forever to various people almost everyone told me a story about a breakup with a good friend. Did you also find in your research that breaking up with a friend is nearly a universal experience? Why does this happen and who seems to be most plagued with friendship problems?

I’ve had the same experience and have gotten emails and survey responses from people all over the world, as far away as Nigeria and the South Pacific, expressing their pain about failed friendships. Regardless of language or lifestyle, the feelings were pretty universal. Most people can resonate to the experience of losing a friend—either because they were jilted, dumped someone else, or because two friends simply drifted apart.

As people grow and change, their lives don’t necessarily follow the same trajectories so it’s completely natural that many friendships would fall apart over time. Most friendships, even very close ones, don’t last forever; on average, a friendship lasts about seven years. The more changes that take place in your life (e.g. geographic moves, graduations, changes in marital or parental status, career changes, and personal ones, etc.), the more fragile your friendships become.

Yet, I wouldn’t really characterize it as a friendship problem. It’s only a problem if you don’t understand that friendships have their ups and downs and not all of them last forever.

2. I’ve also found that many people are loathe to talk about it…it almost seems a source of shame or as if they’re afraid the breakup will reflect poorly on them. In Best Friends Forever, you talk about the embarrassment and shame. Why do you think we tend to have such shame over these types of breakups?

Women are often judged by their ability to make and maintain friendships so it’s natural that it would be embarrassing to talk about it when someone suddenly loses a close friend. The subject is so taboo, in fact, that there is often no one to talk to about it. You can’t tell your mother because she’ll likely ask what you did to provoke the breakup. You can’t talk about it to your partner, husband or lover, because he’ll never understand the depth of female friendships. And women hesitate to tell other friends because they think they’ll be looked down upon. There are really no protocol or rules for handling a breakup and that’s one of the reasons why I wrote my book.

3. What’s your best advice on dealing with the loss of a friendship? Do you think people always need to reconnect with the estranged friend and hash it out or do you think it’s usually best to move on and somehow get over it? If the answer is “get over it,” how do people do that?

Getting over the pain of a lost friendship takes time. In the book, I discuss the predictable stages that women go through in reaching a state of acceptance.

One mistake people sometimes make is thinking that they need to interact with their ex-friend in order to reach closure. This isn’t the case. Often, we don’t get that opportunity.

Getting over it means learning from the experience so that you are a better friend and make wiser friendship choices in the future.

4. Is there one or two things people do that typically contribute to friendship breakups? Is there a better way to live to prevent this?

Some friendships are precipitated by disappointments (e.g. failing to acknowledge special days in your friend life) and misunderstandings; these types of breakups can often be prevented with better communication between two friends. If you are a Birthday Princess, your birthday is coming up, and you want to celebrate with your friend, don’t count on her having a crystal ball. Mention it so she knows. Or if you felt hurt by something your friend said, let her know so it doesn’t happen again and you don’t build up ill feelings.

The large majority of friendships, however, break up because neither person cares enough about the friendship to make it work. If you are invested in a friendship, you need to make it a priority and devote time and attention to the relationship.

5. You live in an area that’s become quite well known. Can you tell us a little about Chappaqua and the Washington Post article you wrote for your famous neighbors when they were about to move there?

Chappaqua is a small hamlet in Westchester County, New York, that is part of the town of New Castle (along with Millwood). It is about 50 minutes from NYC on Metro North. When I first moved here from the DC area, I was struck by the sense of intimacy and the deeply rooted community that I found. Compared to how transient I found the DC metro area, the shopkeepers and many of my neighbors had lived and worked here for multiple generations.

When the Clintons bought their home here, I knew that Hillary Clinton would have to make a big adjustment so I decided to write her a briefing memo that was published in The Washington Post. It was filled with the type of humor and gossip that one woman might share with another female friend. Not only was I delighted when it was published but I treasure the hand-written note I received from the First Lady and Mrs. Gore acknowledging they had read it.

THANKS, IRENE!

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