Yep. That’s me. I ended my valued Directorship at a health care company six years ago to stay at home with my children. At the time newborn twins and a just turned three year old rambunctious rugrat were my new bosses. For awhile, I made sure EVERYONE I met knew what I USED to do for a living. I think I threw out my compensation package too. It made me feel worthy. It was hard going from praised employee to the dregs of motherhood, but I did it! And I survived! I look back at the last six years and realize that I am THE survivor. The supermom. No one to give me a bonus, no one to praise my ideas for integrating better systems into the workflow. And let me tell you, the cliche of “my children give me everything I need to make me feel purposeful and appreciated”? Ya…not so much. It’s really a thankless job these years. I hope that when the boys get older they will realize what their mom gave up so that they may have playdates with friends after school, homework completed with their own personal cheerleader beside them, and a personal assistant in their classroom once a week. Ya, I’m realistic about it. They’ll be my age, contemplating their own life, and may, just MAY think to call mom and tell me they love me.

Hold that thought…I need to call my mommy…

Add housework to the list of things I look forward to doing. Don’t think I’m crazy, either.  Here’s the theory: housework is part of maintaining our lives. There simply is not an option of parenting without maintenance.  Why not love your job?  Okay, before you answer, I will offer my guidelines for loving this particular maintenance job.

First, I intentionally breathe into each required movement.  I feel it instantly. When I synchronize my body’s movement with life force (breath) and intention (well-being), I gain immediate benefit from the mind~body~spirit connectivity. Here’s an example: I breathe out as I squat or pick up a dirty garment, breathe in and center myself with love, breathe out as I throw the clothes into the machine. It might take a little practice, but the mindfulness makes me happier.

Second, I intentionally twist a little further than is required.  Many maintenance tasks involve twisting the trunk of your body:  dishes, laundry transfer and folding.  Twisting the trunk squeezes and releases toxins from your internal organs.  Enjoy dish-washing, knowing every dish gets you lighter, especially if you breathe into and out of the twist.  Breath in as you straighten, breath out as you twist. It’s really that simple.

Third, I improve my posture every time I reach for something on the ground.  Picking up clutter from the floor and washing a child’s hair (standing while they are sitting in the bathtub) can actually increase vigor instead of being another part of the grind.  Leaning over the bath is the same as doing a right-angle yoga pose (lengthen your body as you bend forward and keep your trunk outright, hips anchored, chin tucked and connected with muscles in your core).  And when you bend down to pick up toys,  bend at the hip crease and perform a slow-motion dive; keep your spine straight instead of bending your lower back.  This pose is wonderful for a good night’s sleep. You can also squat to invigorate your nervous system and improve alignment.

And, as enjoyable as these maintenance tasks can be when you make them yoga moves, it’s also yogic to delegate tasks to the kids.  I know that some tasks are more work for you when your child helps…  Delegate carefully.  If you just need to get stuff done without the kids interfering, try my method of talking to your kids about the value of a happy parent.  A speech about the benefits of a happy mom sends my 5-year-old right toward quiet, independent play every time.

Please, comment if you have additions to this approach!!  From every lemon, we can make lemon cookies, lemonade, lemon frosting, lemon-pepper linguini, etc.

I’ve discovered something recently. When I’m not appreciating myself, I’m not able to appreciate my kids.  When my kids don’t feel appreciated, they become over-sensitive to everything…  This snowball effect is a reoccurring bad pattern.  Determined to change this pattern, I’m striving for self-awareness.

Using my Hatha Yoga training I’m trying to balance as a person first, then as a mother.  I accept myself, as I am; instead of being disappointed or proud from an egotistic view of myself and parental performance.  Learning to live and let live…

Here are some guidelines that I use to map emotional reactions.  First, develop tender affection for your entire self: the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Use supportive and encouraging words when talking to yourself, then you will have more patience and ability to attend to your children and spouse.  Second, when you recognize a trigger for discontent, accept this opportunity for self awareness.  Think of your childhood and your ideal life in a broad sense to trace the source of discomfort within yourself.  Finally, take steps to change and heal this new found understanding of your needs.

Most important tip for a parent striving for self appreciation – breathe.  Breathe to enjoy a moment.  Breathe to separate yourself from a bad experience.  Breathe to appreciate where you are at this moment.  Breathe into empowerment.  Breathe into contentment.  Monitor your inhales and exhales; try to enjoy both inhaling and exhaling.

Did anyone feel the joy of family this holiday?

My family of four traveled across the states for a one-week holiday.  We jumped from grandparent to grandparent.  Each visit delighted the senses — and brought challenges.  After a while, our physical exhaustion and emotional highs and lows began to concern me.  Each day, another round of Christmas cheer was to be had — no matter what our physical condition.  When we returned to California, my husband and I were drained and caught a 24-hour stomach flu (thankfully, the kids didn’t get it).

Next year, I plan to do restorative yoga before and after every holiday event.  I’ve studied breathing techniques and meditation derived from the practice of Hatha Yoga.  Breathing into a calm state, despite the emotional and physical challenges of parenthood, usually allows my goals as a parent to remain consistent with my actions.  In 2009 I may have slipped, but I plan to recommit myself to the ideal, now.  Instead of pushing down feelings, yoga allows me to understand, learn and let go of emotions.  And, believe it or not, as I’ve gotten steadier I’ve witnessed an increased steadiness in my children.

Soon after I recovered from the holiday travels and illness, I saw a anti-socialism bumper sticker in the grocer’s parking lot.  The sticker had a picture of President Obama’s face with a clown face painted over it.  This bumper sticker has stayed in my mind but not because of the socialism message.  It stayed in my mind because it reminded me of something about parenting.  Like politicians, parents lead families through all imaginable circumstance; and often, we try to insist that everyone keeps a happy face painted on.

Parents and kids seem over-burdened by a need to fake happiness, whether its holiday cheer or everyday stuff.  I see parents paint on happy faces and teach their kids to do so in order to be popular or to seem like they have everything together.  This past holiday, I saw myself paint on a smile, and I’m sure my kids picked up on the falsity too.  I admit, it’s not what I want to teach my children…

Maybe every time we feel friction in our social surroundings, instead of faking a smile, we should look deeply into ourselves for answers and creativity.  Detachment from perfectionism and appearance may give you and your child the space to be honest.  When I let go of my ego, I am free to bond with my kids in truth.  2010 seems like a perfect year for being real and finding true joy.

The other day, I overheard a conversation some new moms were having about emotional bonding and wearing babies in slings.  You probably know the theory:  an “attached” parent should remain physically connected to the baby day and night — as much as possible.  There is a school of thought that wearing the baby is the best way to parent.  I bought into this theory and connected myself to my first child physically and emotionally around the clock.

By the time he reached the age of one, he knew how to have his every need met: me.  This is normal and even good. Babies should rely on their parents. However, as it continued on into toddlerhood, I was starting to wear thin. As soon as I confirmed my pregnancy with my second son, I realized I need to make a change or I wasn’t going to survive.  Attachment is good, parent participation is great but I, like many moms, was more than attached; I was a doormat.  Okay, maybe that’s being a little harsh, but let me describe it another way.  Super-charged positive mom tries to please her child from morning to night.

Attached parenting is great for an infant but what happens in toddlerhood and beyond?  For me, I wasn’t able to discipline properly.  And I felt like a zero in the personal growth arena. How could I grow if my every moment was consumed with meeting the needs of my child? I believe personal growth is a need of every individual: man, woman or child. If you’re a doormat to your kids, you will not grow and you will not teach them how to be self sufficient, fit into a social environment and think of others before themselves.

Attached parenting, beyond infancy, leads to confusion.  The child will stay confused about their his or her place in the world. It leads to using the parent as a doormat and also a grandiose sense of self entitlement. Under these conditions, the parent will lose sight of their parenting goals.  My point is that I’d like to hear more people talking about detachment out here. Have you ever considered that maybe, among certain demographics, parents are just a little too attached at times?

Christy Camp